Email, Spam, and the Lesson of Charles Woodburn

A bit of humor for your day

After a brief stint of employment as a Salesman/Graphic Designer/Punching Bag with a local weekly newspaper, I find myself gainfully unemployed yet again. It's a shame, really -- if it weren't for the pesky "Salesman" part of this equation, I feel that I could have done fairly well there.

Best not to dwell on it; instead, let's dwell on this... 

After re-posting my resume on US.jobs to look at positions in the Jamestown, NY area, I came across this email in my inbox:

Charles Woodburn <charleswoodburnbaeworker@gmail.com>
Aug 30 (1 day ago)

to me
Dear  Applicant ,

Our recruitment team viewed your resume published on (us.jobs). Application: Logistics, Data Entry, Clerical Admin, Administrative Clerk/Assistance, Customer Service Receptionist,financial Advisor,Sales,Accounting, Payroll Clerk, Book keeping, Typist Clerk,Management,IT Jobs, Military Procurement,Etc- Full Time/ Part Time) and we are pleased with your qualifications,we believe you have the required qualifications to undergo an online interview.

Organization Name: BASF Corporation Company.

Your resume was shortlisted for an online interview with the personnel manager  via Google Hangout with the following email address/User Name (charleswoodburnbaeworker@gmail.com) Mr Charles Woodburn  to your buddy list or  send him an IM inbox ....He will be online waiting for you ASAP to conduct the Online interview for you.

You are required to set up a Gmail account on (https://www.gmail.com/intl/en/mail/help/about.html )Google Hangout App on ( http://www.google.com/hangouts/)

Your verification code is BSGA62160-9, this would serve as your identification number throughout the online hiring process. Your timely response matters a lot.

We look forward to having you on the team.

* Compensation: $38/hr
* Hourly Salary
* Benefits: Health, Insurance, 401k
* Comprehensive Online Training Provided
* Interview Date and Time: ASAP
*Venue: Online via Google Hangout

Your swift and timely matters a lot in this beneficial position.
If you have any questions, please feel free to send him an email to * ( charleswoodburnbaeworker@gmail.com)

Best Regard : BASF Corporation Company.

Yours Truly,
Hiring Manager
Regards

I am truly privileged. 

Wow! THE Charles Woodburn of BAE Systems (the prominent British defense firm) personally wants to interview me for a position at BASF! I mean, sure -- it's a company he doesn't work at, nor does he have any direct investment in, but I mean, that's fantastic, right? BASF still has a "B" and an "A" in its name... Well, I mean, they stand for different things, but still... Charles effin' Woodburn!

Well, he didn't send it from his own personal email address, of course -- it was sent from a random lackey's email, with no BASF or BAE extension attached to the email, but Charles Woodburn is a busy guy. Think about it: He runs a giant multinational corporation while at the same time acting as the hiring manager of a completely different giant multinational corporation! Where does he find the time?

Not only that, but he was so eager to talk to me, an out-of-work Technical Writer and Graphic Designer with a fair amount of photography experience under my belt about a position in data entry, which... Is somehow related, I'm sure!

So I jumped right on this incredible opportunity:

Hello Mr. Woodburn:

Hi Charlie, you ol’ Brit! It’s been a long time. How are you doing? I see that you’re working for BASF now as their hiring manager, but you’re still using your old completely official BAE email address, charliewoodburnbaeworker@gmail.com . Are you still running BAE on the side? I know this economy is enough to drive a lot of people to a second job (liberals and their taxes, am I right?), so I hope you are doing well.

I would love to hear more about this position! When I put my resume on the US.jobs site I must admit that I never thought that one of my old colleagues would be crawling out of the woodwork to look me up on it. Remember that Graphic Design & Corporate Mongering symposium in Singapore? Well, of course you do – I’m sure we both still have scars from the after-party at the brothel… But the less said about that the better, eh Chuck?

Data entry, huh? Sounds good. My years creating manuals, pamphlets, animated ads, instructional videos, motion graphics, flow charts, and web content won’t be wasted as long as I have a keyboard to click away on mindlessly. It’s bound to be a good fit!

And using Google Hangouts to perform the interview… Classy! That truly is why it is the cornerstone of all corporate communication. I’m not sure that I’ve kept up my subscription to it though, I may have to reach out on Skype, or via Cisco AnyConnect (sorry to be slumming it, but I did recently lose my job).

This is tough to bring up, but I want to discuss compensation with you… Now $38 an hour might be all right for your average work-a-day joe with his solid silver lunch pail and Berluti Italian work boots, but – and I’m sorry to say this – I want the gold pail and Jason of Beverly Hills work boots. Could we maybe raise it to $52 an hour? I mean – you know me, C.W.: I’m a hard worker and well worth every penny. Besides… You owe me for that thing. You know what I’m talking about...

I’ll tell Betsy and the kids you said “hello,” but don’t be a stranger. Maybe we could get together this weekend to discuss the position and have a Labor Day barbecue. Just let me know; you have my number.

I’ll be in touch with you about this soon, in the meantime, have a great day.

Ne dicam auctoritates.

Sincerely,

Applicant.

Maybe it's (very well formatted) spam?

Negativity 101

So today I received the following email:

Sent: Tuesday, February 14, 2017 10:07 AM
Subject: Benefits Consultant Position

Hello Michael,

My name is (Name Withheld), and I am the Marketing Director for (Company Name Withheld) in Western PA. I came across your resume online, and I'd like to talk with you about some job openings within our company. I would also like to learn more about your professional experience and future goals. Whether you are actively employed or still looking, I'm confident there is a position within our organization for someone with your skill set.

The current changes in the healthcare marketplace in America have created tremendous opportunities for (Company Name Withheld). We are seeking individuals who are self-motivated, goal-oriented, and who have a desire to be part of a successful team with a great culture.

Although a career with (Company Name Withheld) may not be something you've considered before, we have had great success with candidates like yourself. We would welcome the opportunity to educate you on a career with (Company Name Withheld). Do not be deterred from applying if you do not have substantial marketing experience. Our associates hold a wide variety of degrees and experience, from Education and Finance to the Military and the Restaurant industry. Regardless of your particular field or expertise, a strong work ethic and desire to succeed are most important to (Company Name Withheld).

We will be conducting interviews in the next week. If you would like to discuss this opportunity further simply (Link) OR copy and paste this (Other Link) to apply today by submitting your updated resume.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Best regards,
(Name Withheld)
Marketing Director

Now, at first it seems like spam, but it was so well written and designed to prey on my ego that I felt it deserved a response.

Hello Mr. (Name Withheld):

It was great to hear from you!

I don't want to seem too forward, but there seems to be some sort of mistake in your e-mail. The link for the job you're posting is to a "Benefits Consultant," which I take to mean is a liaison between management and businesses interested in purchasing group insurance (or perhaps individuals, I'm not sure). I don't know what led you to think that I am qualified for this position, as I have never worked in sales and my (few) customer service jobs have been dismal failures because of my aloof disposition and my shy personality. I mean, I could be wrong about the job, but that's what my Google search turned up.

I'm curious why you would think that someone with professional experience almost exclusive to graphic design, technical manuals, and video production is a good fit for such a position, because as near as I can tell there is virtually no correlation between the two. Don't get me wrong: I like what I do, and I have little interest in switching gears to focus on work that I have no affinity for or interest in, so I would love to hear how this job that you want me to interview for is connected!

Please, let me know how my video editing skills and knowledge of various graphic design software suites can help your company. Is "Benefits Consultant" a code-word for Graphic Designer or Technical Writer? Because that seems exciting. I am including a copy of my resume so that you can peruse it and let me know how my skill set somehow translates to this job so that I can prepare for the actual application process.

Thank you for thinking of me,
Michael R. Adams

Yes, it is exactly this kind of poor attitude and smart-assery that gets me in trouble at the jobs I do work (and probably a reason I have so few friends), but I've been making an honest effort to be straightforward with employers about what I'm looking for, and instead of genuine interest I am treated to a near constant barrage of temp agencies and corporate headhunters desperate to fill some sort of random quota because all of their dejected and miserable customer service reps keep quitting out of (I assume) frustration.

You have to have certain disposition in order to do these sort of jobs, and while I have done these jobs in the past, I simply don't have the disposition for it, and as I get older I find that I have far less interest in selling myself out for these positions. I know what I'm good at, I know the kinds of things I want to do, all I want is a chance to do it.