Thursday, August 31, 2017

Email, Spam, and the Lesson of Charles Woodburn

A bit of humor for your day

After a brief stint of employment as a Salesman/Graphic Designer/Punching Bag with a local weekly newspaper, I find myself gainfully unemployed yet again. It's a shame, really -- if it weren't for the pesky "Salesman" part of this equation, I feel that I could have done fairly well there.

Best not to dwell on it; instead, let's dwell on this... 

After re-posting my resume on to look at positions in the Jamestown, NY area, I came across this email in my inbox:

Charles Woodburn <>
Aug 30 (1 day ago)

to me
Dear  Applicant ,

Our recruitment team viewed your resume published on ( Application: Logistics, Data Entry, Clerical Admin, Administrative Clerk/Assistance, Customer Service Receptionist,financial Advisor,Sales,Accounting, Payroll Clerk, Book keeping, Typist Clerk,Management,IT Jobs, Military Procurement,Etc- Full Time/ Part Time) and we are pleased with your qualifications,we believe you have the required qualifications to undergo an online interview.

Organization Name: BASF Corporation Company.

Your resume was shortlisted for an online interview with the personnel manager  via Google Hangout with the following email address/User Name ( Mr Charles Woodburn  to your buddy list or  send him an IM inbox ....He will be online waiting for you ASAP to conduct the Online interview for you.

You are required to set up a Gmail account on ( )Google Hangout App on (

Your verification code is BSGA62160-9, this would serve as your identification number throughout the online hiring process. Your timely response matters a lot.

We look forward to having you on the team.

* Compensation: $38/hr
* Hourly Salary
* Benefits: Health, Insurance, 401k
* Comprehensive Online Training Provided
* Interview Date and Time: ASAP
*Venue: Online via Google Hangout

Your swift and timely matters a lot in this beneficial position.
If you have any questions, please feel free to send him an email to * (

Best Regard : BASF Corporation Company.

Yours Truly,
Hiring Manager

I am truly privileged. 

Wow! THE Charles Woodburn of BAE Systems (the prominent British defense firm) personally wants to interview me for a position at BASF! I mean, sure -- it's a company he doesn't work at, nor does he have any direct investment in, but I mean, that's fantastic, right? BASF still has a "B" and an "A" in its name... Well, I mean, they stand for different things, but still... Charles effin' Woodburn!

Well, he didn't send it from his own personal email address, of course -- it was sent from a random lackey's email, with no BASF or BAE extension attached to the email, but Charles Woodburn is a busy guy. Think about it: He runs a giant multinational corporation while at the same time acting as the hiring manager of a completely different giant multinational corporation! Where does he find the time?

Not only that, but he was so eager to talk to me, an out-of-work Technical Writer and Graphic Designer with a fair amount of photography experience under my belt about a position in data entry, which... Is somehow related, I'm sure!

So I jumped right on this incredible opportunity:

Hello Mr. Woodburn:

Hi Charlie, you ol’ Brit! It’s been a long time. How are you doing? I see that you’re working for BASF now as their hiring manager, but you’re still using your old completely official BAE email address, . Are you still running BAE on the side? I know this economy is enough to drive a lot of people to a second job (liberals and their taxes, am I right?), so I hope you are doing well.

I would love to hear more about this position! When I put my resume on the site I must admit that I never thought that one of my old colleagues would be crawling out of the woodwork to look me up on it. Remember that Graphic Design & Corporate Mongering symposium in Singapore? Well, of course you do – I’m sure we both still have scars from the after-party at the brothel… But the less said about that the better, eh Chuck?

Data entry, huh? Sounds good. My years creating manuals, pamphlets, animated ads, instructional videos, motion graphics, flow charts, and web content won’t be wasted as long as I have a keyboard to click away on mindlessly. It’s bound to be a good fit!

And using Google Hangouts to perform the interview… Classy! That truly is why it is the cornerstone of all corporate communication. I’m not sure that I’ve kept up my subscription to it though, I may have to reach out on Skype, or via Cisco AnyConnect (sorry to be slumming it, but I did recently lose my job).

This is tough to bring up, but I want to discuss compensation with you… Now $38 an hour might be all right for your average work-a-day joe with his solid silver lunch pail and Berluti Italian work boots, but – and I’m sorry to say this – I want the gold pail and Jason of Beverly Hills work boots. Could we maybe raise it to $52 an hour? I mean – you know me, C.W.: I’m a hard worker and well worth every penny. Besides… You owe me for that thing. You know what I’m talking about...

I’ll tell Betsy and the kids you said “hello,” but don’t be a stranger. Maybe we could get together this weekend to discuss the position and have a Labor Day barbecue. Just let me know; you have my number.

I’ll be in touch with you about this soon, in the meantime, have a great day.

Ne dicam auctoritates.



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